Funny insurance claims

- Funny insurance claims -

The statements below are taken from actual insurance accident claims forms. They are real, true. Read 'em and laugh and be glad it wasn't you.

You can't make up this kind of stuff, or can you - !!!. Judge for yourselves.

Incidents with Pedestrians.

* The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
* The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Accidents with other vehicles.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
* I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
* I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
* The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
* The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)

Collisions, calamities, and injuries.

* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
* I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
* The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
* Who is to Blame? No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
* I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
* The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
* Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
* No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
* I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
* The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
* The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
* I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

Funny insurance jokes.

An actuary, a lawyer and an accountant are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office. [TRUE news story, NOT a joke. Maybe - !!!!].

[For me this one is is priceless].
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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Anna’s Story

- Anna’s Story -

A few years ago now in my block of flats where I live, a new tenant moved into one of the vacant flats [ground floor], they never caused any trouble to start with, very quiet and seldom seen by me.

Over a period of time I learnt they - [Anne and Richard] were a young recovering pair of drug addicts and both were ‘tagged’. They were know to the police, they were know to the Social Services, they had had many appearances in front of the Magistrates for drug and drug related offences, they had been sentenced with many forms of punishments, community service etc. they had been allocated a council flat which was their last chance to go straight and get ‘clean’.

On a shopping visit to the local shops in passing I met up with Anne and Richard for the first time, they seemed prepared to engage me in conversation, no problems there for me for I will talk to anyone. I found them to be most congenial and happy. On one occasion they met up with me on their landing, I suspect they had been waiting for me to return from a shopping trip and invited me into their flat for ‘a cup of tea’, reluctantly I agreed. Yes, reluctantly for me its just not my way to get to close to my neighbours. It was abundantly clear that they had made a special effort to entertain me and prepared everything in advance, tea, biscuits and sandwiches. It was very noticeable their flat had just a few items, an old settee, one out of date TV, one chair, [no carpet on the floor], cold with no heating. The kitchen, one very old cooker, no fridge or freezer. Curtains, a couple of old moth eaten blankets. I also notice that everything was scrupulously clean, no smells. You may not be aware that for some places you visit your flesh crawls and no way would you drink anything let alone eat anything. I had no reluctance for that visit. They told me that I was the only one person who would talk to them and that all the other tenants had ignored them.

Over the following months I learnt a lot about Anna and Richard, I spoke to the local beat policeman, the local care social worker, the council, a few of the supposedly care in the community charities, all of them reluctant to give me any information or to help them in any way. It seemed to me they had just ‘given up’ - so be it. Sorry, not good enough, for me, here was a young couple trying desperately hard to reform their lives and getting no support from the authorities who were supposedly their to support couples like this

Horror of all horrors, one morning I saw the door of their flat completely smashed in, being concerned that some terrible event had happened phoned the local police station only to be informed that they, the police had forced an entry at 0600-hrs to the flat to arrest the occupants. It transpired that Anne was released on ‘ a no charge’ as no way was she implicated in the charge of burglary and assault by her partner Richard. [being held in custody and eventually got sentenced to three years].

Anna.
Her story and history as I understand it:

She is a very pretty young lady, 24-year old- [that’s two years ago now], 5-foot three-inches in height, very slim. possible under weight, very long hair - [mousey colour reaching down to her buttocks when tied in a pony tail - OK I know I’m a sucker for long haired girls]. Complexion, face, a little bit spotty, I put this down to her life style but clean in her personal and hygiene habits.

Over the many months after she was left by her self [her then partner Richard being incarcerated] she told me many home truths about her short life.

At the age of 16-years she left ‘home’ because of the abuse she received from her mother and sisters and the abuse she received from the many ‘boy friends’ her mother had.

When she came to Bristol she met up with organisation who specialised in way ward females and given a job in one of their many outlets, there she met with Richard, unfortunately for her she didn’t know that he came from a family of trouble makers and it wasn’t before long that he was trying to prostitute her ‘services’ for money to support his drug habit. She told me she never did and I believed her.

Many occasion I would have a tap on my front door late at night to find Anna there in a very distressed state, many reasons for this, sometimes she hadn’t eaten for three days, she was cold and lonely, she had no money, she was being harassed by the authorities, being harassed by the police, it seemed that her troubles were never ending for her. On these occasions I would feed her, allow her to have a bath, listen to her.

I formed a special ‘bond’ between her and me, a father and daughter bond, instinctively she seemed to know this, although on two occasions she did offer her female services to stay with me for the night as for some small payment. On one occasion I know my resolve was taxed the limit, Anna was very proud of her long hair and on one nights visit she asked if she could wash her hair and would I help, no problem with that. much to my surprise she stripped off her blouse and lent over the sink. Me washing her hair with shampoo, drying with the hair dryer, combing and then brushing, what man wouldn’t given those circumstance have taken advantage, I must admit it taxed me to limit, I did get excited but I didn’t disgrace myself - no regrets.

There’s many stories I could write about Anna and her troubles, the troubles she had with the friends of Richard, smashing all her windows in, the three months she slept rough, being to scared to return to her flat, the lack of community support. No one wanted to ‘help’ her. The night her flat was broken into, the time she was brutally sexual assaulted, not raped, the time I took her to the hospital, the supermarket visits, the doctors visits, police visits.

I admit that I was heart broken when I learnt that she was gone, she had vacated her flat with out any notice to any one, I felt why on earth did I bother, no gratitude, no small word of thanks, no thanks for all of my Christian work, the thoughts, actions I had done for her not that I wanted for her to bow and scrap with thanks, just some sort recognition for the good deeds I had done.

Imagine my surprise on Christmas Day when I opened my mail and presents - [Note: I don’t open anything until then] there was a letter and a card from Anna, Wow - fantastic. The card, not one of the Woolworth’s fifty in a card box for 50-pence type but a card with meaningful words in together with a number of kisses from Anna.

The letter, in her hand writing [ink] three pages long, she opened up her heart to me telling me how sorry she was that she hadn’t said good bye to me when she left and a thank you for all the help I had given her for getting her life back together.

She tells me that she is in a partnership with a honest and sincere partner who is prepared to let bygones be bygones, has gainful work as a waitress, is studying at the local tech college for a qualification. She said that on a number of occasions she had tried to contact me but couldn’t get an answer from my flat.

What better Christmas present could anyone get other then that. - to know you have made a difference to some ones life?

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Visiting Dignitaries.

- Visiting Dignitaries -

This is not particularly a controversial subject, though my opinion on it isn’t too unusual as more and more people are thinking along the same lines as I am now.

Most of my life I’ve been a Royalist, sworn allegiance to Queen and Country her heirs and successors etc. I proved this for twenty eight years [Army], most of it on active service also for a number of years after my service expired working on behalf of the Ministry of Defence, honoured and proud to have done so.

Now don’t go getting me wrong I swear my allegiance to my Queen and country. ‘Her Majesty’ in her long rein has done a powerful amount of good. Its all the ‘hangers on’ in the upper Royal Family/Circle that I have absolutely no tolerance and zero respect for.

I ask you to think on, in your family or circle of friends do you know another family quite like the Queen’s family and relations

The Queens sister: divorced, had a dubious life style and it is alleged had many ‘boy friends’.
The Queens eldest son: divorced, had a long adulterous affair during his marriage with his so called mistress.
The Queens daughter: divorced.
Second son: divorced.
Third son: I’ll make no comment here although it is alleged that there are number of questionable questions to be asked and answered.

There is no doubt in my mind the Royal Family who have a very privileged position should lead the country by setting an exemplary example, judging from the above what do you think?

Now I come to “Who pays for them”?.

The Queen, [7.1-million pounds] and The Duke of Edinburgh £359,000 are the only members of the Royal Family to receive an annual parliamentary allowance [The Duke of Edinburgh allowance to enable him to carry out official public duties supporting The Queen].

Most of the allowances received by members of the Royal Family are spent on staff who support their public engagements and correspondence.

In 2000 the annual amounts payable to members of the Royal Family (which are set every ten years) were reset at their 1990 levels for the next ten years, until December 2010.

Apart from an increase of £45,000 on the occasion of The Earl of Wessex's marriage, these amounts remain as follows:

Did you know since 1993, The Queen has repaid to the Treasury the annual parliamentary allowances received by other members of the Royal Family other than that paid to The Duke of Edinburgh. [I admit I don’t know nor can I research this but I wonder if the these repayments are paid from the Queen’s annual allowance.]


Parliamentary annuity Her Majesty, 7.1-million pounds, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh £359,000

Parliamentary annuities (repaid by The Queen)
HRH The Duke of York £249,000
HRH The Earl of Wessex £141,000
HRH The Princess Royal £228,000
TRH The Duke and Duchess of Gloucester, TRH The Duke and Duchess of Kent and HRH Princess Alexandra £636,000

[Of the £636,000, £175,000 is provided by The Queen to The Duke and Duchess of Gloucester, £236,000 to The Duke and Duchess of Kent and £225,000 to Princess Alexandra.]

For me the Queen is value for money, but the rest of the hangers on, no way-!!!.

Note: I’m fed up to the back teeth hearing about whether Prince Harry should go off and do front line duties fighting for his country or not. So what-!!!. I know that if Prince Harry no doubt as good as a soldier he is, had join my troop of soldiers both them and me would put as much distance between him and us as possible. Why - you work it out.

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The very mention of a visit by a ‘Royal’ person, whether planned [a formal occasion] or private visit to any location brings with it a whole host of activities.

Suddenly, various agency’s find money to do a ‘Make Over’ on the planned route, pot holes get filled in, roads hosed down, graffiti mysteriously gets removed or painted over, over night flower beds which have been completely baron for weeks sprout flowering plants. Lorry loads of workmen appear erecting crowd barriers covering ‘offending’ signs, removing litter bins, welding manhole covers and storm drains grids tight shut, buildings repaired and tarted up, the list is endless.

Policemen by the bus load, police cars and police motorcyclist zooming around all over the place, police sharp shooters positioned on strategic roof tops. - [Under cover and plain clothed cops [?]], Special branch who appeared a couple of days before the Royal visit and possible still present. Roads get block off, traffic diverted, restricted area imposed and whoa betides anyone who falls foul of this. [I did once and got marched off very firmly even when I had a photographer’s pass to be in that area]. The public are marshalled into specially defined selected areas like a herd of sheep

A long line of local dignitaries [more often than not accompanied by their wives] to be presented to the Royal visitor. Why is this?, surprisingly they can suddenly make themselves available. I know when I have telephoned asking to speak to one of them to be told: “Sorry he’s [or she] not available: at a meeting, away on holidays, visiting another department, out on inspection, off sick”. I am told to write a letter or send an e-mail stating why I want to speak to them or the question I want answers for or why I want an appointment and they will get back to me. Yea sounds good but they never do. - Bah-!!!.

On the number of times I have bludgeoned my way through a whole hosts of underlings and get to speak to someone in authority, asked my questions: “Why is it that [various faults] are not being repaired, replaced, improved, only to be told there’s no money left in the budget to rectify the ‘fault’ - Really, then how come they can mysteriously find money for the extra cost for all these ‘activities’ for the Royal visit. I am baffled.

Off the boil now slowly simmering down - Rant over.

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Democratic Nomination 1.

- Hilllary Clinton comeback wins key votes -
[Quick update for Super Tuesday]
'She’ is still on track. Senator Hillary Clinton does it again -
- Yippee -

Hillary Clinton has revived her campaign for the US presidency with projected primary election wins in three states. She has taken the Democratic primary polls in Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island.

Mrs Clinton never flagged when the questions were raised as to whether she could survive beyond Tuesday. Early on Tuesday evening, four hours before the polls closed, Terry McAuliffe, Senator Hillary Clinton's campaign manager, predicted they would win the three states.

So what has made the difference? Firstly the economy. It is the issue that matters most to the American voters. also there was another reason behind Mrs Clinton's comeback. Mrs Clinton stressed her experience and offered to help those who got into debt. She had specific proposals aimed at those suffering from the American downturn

The economy was the most important issue for Democratic voters in all four states, especially Ohio, according to exit polls. The Iraq war was a close second in Vermont.

Those polls also suggested Mrs Clinton was doing well among white, blue-collar and older voters in Ohio, which may indicate she has halted Mr Obama's advance into those groups, her core base until recent contests.

The Clintons are legendary fighters when their backs are against the wall.

2,025 delegates needed for nomination.
Hillary Clinton
16 states, 1,391 delegates

Arizona, Arkansas, California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas

Barack Obama
24 states, 1,477 delegates

Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Carolina, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington state, Wisconsin
Barack Obama still has a narrow lead over Mrs Clinton

Vote for Hillary - You know it makes sense.
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Barack Obama

- Democrat Barack Obama triumphs in South Carolina -
[no surprises there for me]

US presidential hopeful Barack Obama has secured a decisive win in the South Carolina primary election, as he bids to be the Democratic Party's candidate.

It was an overwhelming victory too - he finished with 55% of the vote, against 27% for Hillary Clinton and just 18% for John Edwards, who may now have to accept that his campaign is doomed.

The result is a boost for Mr Obama's campaign ahead of Super Tuesday on 5 February, when 24 states vote for who they want to run for US president.

Key to Mr Obama's victory was the support of African-American voters, who made up about half the electorate and four-fifths of whom supported him, according to exit poll data. About 17% supported Mrs Clinton. Surprisingly one fifth of the African-American voters supported Ms Hillary.

Mrs Clinton's campaign issued a statement saying she had called to congratulate Mr Obama and wish him well.

Former President Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning on behalf of his wife, told a rally in Missouri that Mr Obama had "won fair and square".

Polls in key states at stake on Super Tuesday show Hillary Clinton ahead.

My comment: Barack Obama wins as much as I expected, the polls had it dead right. From the reports I have read It looked as if it was a good clean fight between the candidates. Well done.

Vote for Hillary - You know it makes sense

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Romney secures Michigan victory

- Republican Mitt Romney secures Michigan victory -

Senator John McCain, who came second, congratulated Mr Romney, saying he had worked hard to ensure he won the vote.

Michigan did not figure in the race for the Democratic nomination because of a party dispute over scheduling. - [Comment: What’s all that about?].

The Democratic Party denied Michigan the right to send delegates to its convention - when the party's presidential candidate will be chosen - because the state party chose to hold its primary early.

Of the Democratic frontrunners, none campaigned in the state, and only Hillary Clinton had her name on the ballot.

She won a majority of the votes cast, but a substantial number went to the ballot listing for "uncommitted".

The campaigns for rivals Barack Obama and John Edwards had urged supporters to vote "uncommitted" to prevent Mrs Clinton seeming to make a clean sweep.

As the Michigan results came in, the Democratic candidates were taking part in a debate in Las Vegas, Nevada, where caucuses will be held on Saturday.

Mrs Clinton and Mr Obama promised to end their damaging dispute over racial politics.

Mr Obama spoke of the importance of coming together as a people, while Mrs Clinton said: "We're all family in the Democratic party."

[South Carolina on Saturday?].

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New Hampshire's Primary

- Hillary Clinton does it -

Hillary Clinton has won New Hampshire's presidential primary, beating rival candidate Barack Obama into second place.

Observers say it was a record-breaking turnout, with some half a million people having cast ballots.

Senator Clinton told a cheering crowd of supporters that: "I come tonight with a very, very full heart. I want especially to thank New Hampshire. Over the last week I listened to you and in the process I found my own voice. I felt like we all spoke from our hearts and I am so gratified that you responded”.

48 states left to go, Candidates will build momentum before more than 20 states hold polls on 5 February, known as Super Tuesday.

In conceding victory Senator Obama said: "I want to congratulate Senator Clinton on a hard fought victory here in New Hampshire. She did an outstanding job, give her a big round of applause."

Vote for Hillary Clinton - You know it makes sense.
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A point to note:

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. (Jan. 7) - In perhaps her most public display of emotion of the presidential campaign, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s eyes welled with tears, and her voice cracked dramatically on Monday, as she talked about holding up under the rigors of the race and her belief that she is the best candidate for the Democratic nomination.

If it was not an Ed Muskie moment — Mrs. Clinton did not cry (or look like she was crying) — she was certainly on the verge of it after a woman asked her, at a round table discussion at a coffee shop here, how she managed to get out of bed and soldier through each day.

“How do you do it?” the woman, Marianne Pernold, asked. And, with a touch of humour, she added, “Who does your hair?”

“It’s not easy, it’s not easy,” Mrs. Clinton replied slowly. “I couldn’t do it if I did not passionately believe it was the right thing to do. It’s very personal to me.”

At this point Mrs. Clinton’s voice softened and lowered to a near-hush, and she spoke more haltingly.

“I have so many ideas for this country, I just don’t want to see us fall backwards,” she said, her eyes visibly wet, as a row of news photographers began snapping away to capture the moment. “It’s about our country, it’s about our kids’ futures.”

“Some of us are right some of us are wrong,” she continued, firming up a bit — and sounding, some reporters felt, either angry or resentful about Senator Barack Obama. “Some of us are ready, and some of us are not. Some of us know what we’ll do on day one and some of us don’t.”

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